From the Archives...

Local men's group announces plan to explore cave, sexuality

"It should be interesting," said group leader and activity chairperson Reed Wallace, "I mean, we've sort of exhausted any other possibilities, really. As a group, we are very dedicated to exploring, you know? We're quite passionate about it, but the trouble is that we've sort of been everywhere and done everything, so it makes planning future events sort of hard. I was starting to get a little worried, but then last week, as I was showering with a couple of the guys, the idea just came to me. The answer had been right in front of me the whole time! Isn't that funny?"

Wallace later said that he'd expected to see a few raised eyebrows at the proposal session, but was surprised to find that everyone was quite open to the idea.

"These guys are just great," said Wallace, "they really are! I can't wait to explore each and every one of them."

The outing will be held inside a cave on the south face of Mt. Glory on Saturday. Visitors are welcome.

For more information on the "Danger Boys" group, and directions to the site see Glory Hole, page 11.

posted by Ogden Whipstitch
Staff Reporter

Thursday, April 03, 2003

From the Archives...

This Just In: New "Therapist Matthew Doll" announced, designed to help both Barbie and Ken cope with absently smooth genitalia

"It really is about time," stated designer Monroe Westy, during a telephone interview. "Just think of all the baggage that these two must have, You know? They've got the dream house, they've got the dream car, they have 0% body fat, and yet, what's the point if they can't...you know?"

When questioned whether or not the original dolls themselves might simply be redisgned for more effective fornication, Mr. Westy denied any plans to do so, and revealed that his company will instead be announcing soon the arrival of another new doll to the popular plastic toy line: "Dr. Sherwood Clamp, Pharmacist."

"He'll give them their little blue pills and then they'll take the dream boat out on the lake and have some fun," said Mr. Westy, as the interview concluded. "These kids will be fine, you'll see."

There are presently no plans to help Skipper deal with any emotional issues that she may currently have, as Therapist Matthew's schedule is booked solid for the time being.

posted by Prudence Saddlepinch
Staff Reporter

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

From the Archives...

New research shows that people who whistle are more likely to be randomly punched than those who hum

"It makes perfect sense, really," replied one passing stranger.

This reporter was lucky enough to witness a whistle-punching incident, and recorded the following exchange with the attacker:

Me- "Sir, may I ask you why did you hit that man?"

Attacker- "Didn't you hear him whistling?"

Me- "Yes, I did, but I'm wondering why exactly it is that you felt the need to punch him?"

Attacker- "...I don't understand the question."

See Hum or Blow? pages 863-65 for full story

posted by Philomena Saltnickle
Staff Reporter

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

From the Archives...

Twelve-Year-Old Pedophile To Be Tried as Adult

"I dunno. I guess I just like older girls, ones with breasts," says Jonathan Touchy, a shy, skinny young man accused just two days ago of inappropriately touching a fourteen-year-old girl.

"Look at him over there, sobbing uncontrollably. Who the hell does he think he's kidding?" responds Wilkens J. Brently, attorney for the plaintiff.

"He's so clever with that 'older girls' crap, trying to trick potential jury members into forgetting that not two weeks ago he was caught molesting a fourteen-year-old girl in the boys bathroom. It's disgusting."

This case is just one of many recently brought before the courts this year. According to statisticians, this is all part of an increasing trend in disturbing pedophilic acts. One study conducted by the University of Chievemont suggests that pedophiles as young as eight years old will be none too uncommon by the year 2008.

"For all we know, this kind of abject perversion has been occurring all along," says Prof. Liebermouth. "I guess it was simply high time we opened our eyes to the atrocities around us."

When asked what treatment he would suggest for young Jonathan's pathological fascination with pubescent penelopes, Prof. Liebermouth had only this to say: "I hear chemical castration is quite humane."

See Touching The Lives of Children pages 49-51 for full story

posted by Chadley R. Strepcloth
Staff Reporter

Monday, March 31, 2003

From the Archives...

25 people surveyed say that their dentist has never discussed chewing gum options

"Not once," claims one respondent, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I mean, isn't that part of his job?" Mr. Alex Williams then said that he is thinking of hiring an attorney, just to "cover his bases."

In a related story, two out of five surveyed believe that their routine dental scrapings often cross the thin-as-floss line between preventative treatment and tooth molestation.

"More than six or seven scrapes is tantamount to masturbation if you ask me," stated Mrs. Diana Prince, via a voice-disguising microphone. "I mean, it's just sick the way these perverts defile my most important orifice---and then charge me for their pleasure! The lousy bastards!"

See Bite down hard pages 37-8 for full story

posted by Ogden Whipstitch
Staff Reporter

Monday, March 24, 2003

From the Archives...

Millions find the comfort of strangers to be more discomforting than comforting in the traditional sense of the word

"Like, who the hell are all these people anyway? If one of these sick fucks tries to hug me, I swear to God I'll start kicking!" remarked one clearly uncomfortable stranger polled.

For full story see Don't touch me, page 17.

posted by Philomena Saltnickle
Staff Reporter

Sunday, March 23, 2003

From the Archives...

Historians Discover Gordian Knot Actually a Bow

Story at 11.

posted by Larving P. Farumpfi
Staff Reporter

Thursday, March 20, 2003